"I’m not sure outliving them gets any easier, as the years go by. But I can’t imagine life without my companion animals; they bring so much comfort and joy."
(Trigger Warning - this is sad) I just lost the sweetest girl. This evening, sitting in my living room a few hours after the final vet visit, I have finally, momentarily, evolved from a deep trough of sadness to a wake-like, free-floating wash of memories. All around me are signs of the being who has been my boon companion for the past five years. Perhaps tomorrow, if I’m able, I’ll start to clear the house of her presence: give away the leftover food, clean the muddy paw prints from the floor, dismantle the stack of cancer-slowing herbs and medicines that bought us an extra 6 months before life got too uncomfortable, and pack away the dog beds and bowls (for it is a given that, one day, another dog will find their way here). But for now, I’ll allow my stream of consciousness to take me back to all the places we visited together, the road trips and hikes, and small warm memories of Cocoa and her little quirks.
She found me when she was a mature girl of 8 years, set in her ways, as was I. Fortunately, our ways were eminently compatible. She liked to spend time alone, sitting watching over the property or snoozing in her den under the porch. But coming over to check on me throughout the day, to be sure that all was well and to give me a nudge to leave my desk or project and spend some time together. An independent but responsible girl, she was willing (most of the time) to acknowledge and comply with my requests. She volunteered early on for the position of squirrel management on the property and always helped me herd the ducks in before dusk. Cocoa wasn't a big barker but when she did it rose from somewhere deep inside her; the force of it causing all four feet to bounce off the ground.
Her happiest place was when we walked … any walk but most particularly any off-leash trek through wild nature that led in the end to a creek, lake or beach where she could dip her belly. A good soak in water turned this senior girl into a puppy for a few minutes, bounding and prancing her way back onto the shore with a big grin on her face. Despite her largely taciturn nature, developed over early years when her life was more precarious and neglectful, she finally deigned to play with me on occasion … usually a game of tag around the greenhouse. She’d grin at – or possibly good-naturedly put up with - the silly songs I would sing her, like ‘Oh Puppy-o’ and that perennial favorite ‘Sup-Sup-Suppertime’.
Yes, I’m a sap with my dogs. And the animals who share my life are my primary companions, my familiars. In losing Cocoa, I’m reminded of the others – Rosie, Lucky, Moki, D. Bob. I’m not sure it gets any easier, outliving them, as the years go by. But I can’t imagine life without them; they bring so much comfort and joy. For now… goodbye, sweet puppy. Rest in Peace, Cocoa. Don’t worry about me; I’ll be sad for a while and then you’ll take your place in my heart with the rest of those furry beings, those special souls, who appeared when I needed them, to make my life better for a while. I have been blessed ... and I miss you, Sweetpea.
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